I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
