So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
It's shark week go big or go home
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
