She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
