Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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