Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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