I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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