Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I am one with the molecules
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
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