the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
