the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Randomize
