hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
