Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
