Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
