Cold hands, warm shart.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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