you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Randomize
