o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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