Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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