just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
