Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
