dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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