he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
