She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
