No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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