I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
