I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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