i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Randomize
