She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
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