Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
