idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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