I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
