Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
