I smell stomach acid.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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