I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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