I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
It's blow job season.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
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