Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
