Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
