apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
