Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
