Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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