didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
