I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
