we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
