Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
