Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
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