I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
