walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
i think i have two assholes
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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