god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
