I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
