Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
