i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
