I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Randomize
