i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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