i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
