What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
dude. I can hear the air.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
