Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
