I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
