If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
