i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
