Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
